


A Difference of Realities

by chronologicalimplosion



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Other, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-03
Updated: 2012-04-03
Packaged: 2017-11-03 00:26:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/375022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chronologicalimplosion/pseuds/chronologicalimplosion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It means that, every time he comes, she's continually a little more drunk than she usually is. It means that he gets more worried and she gets more torn and the whole thing is doomed to fall to pieces.</i>
</p>
<p>Roxy/AR, kind of crappy and unedited.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Difference of Realities

**Author's Note:**

> This is pointless, largely unedited, and also stupid, because I can't write Dirk or AR at all (and also something about writing Roxy makes me into a parenthesis-fiend, which makes my sentence structure even more convoluted than usual). Took me long enough to get Dave down right, and now I have ANOTHER Strider to learn. AU, almost abstractly so, and largely inspired by [bam-squared](http://bam-squared.tumblr.com/)'s Roxy/Dirk art and [shini-shishi](http://shini-shishi.tumblr.com/)'s AR/Roxy/Dirk fics over on tumblr.
> 
> I mostly wrote this to get it out of my head. Hope somebody enjoys it.

It happens about a year after she starts feeling a real emptiness, a powerlessness, in the many voids and nothingnesses she's been drawn to. Maybe it's exactly a year after her initial success; she doesn't count the days—-she's the Rogue of Void, not of Time—-but the point is that she's seventeen and he's spent four years being “forever thirteen” (which is a lie, such a lie: he grows and learns like the rest of them). And it's simultaneously everything she ever wanted and one of the biggest challenges in her life, one of many things she has a feeling she's not supposed to be facing.

They keep it a secret from Dirk (she used to call him “the real Dirk”, but the only thing he might have over AR is his humanity, not any measure of realness his counterpart supposedly lacks), or at least she does, and she doesn't think that he knows, though it's hard to tell with him, and her ability to read him certainly hasn't been getting any better.

It's been a long time since anyone bothered to see her as more than a drunk, and maybe a genius on the side. Something to worry over or someone to pour their worries on, because the lips of a drunk are tighter than you'd think and the advice of one better than you could imagine. Because she doesn't hold back and wouldn't think of trying to hurt a friend, skeptical as some (one) of them might be. He sees more to her than that, and he shows it in a casual way that makes her feel like she can be herself no matter what that might entail (maybe makes her feel like it's okay if she drinks but also like she doesn't have to quite as much). And it's been coming for a long time (such a long time coming) that when it does, nothing changes. Nothing except for everything.

It means that the last layer of anything but honesty between them is gone, but also that she has to really, really distinguish between him and the other Dirk. The human Dirk. The one who's always been her unreachable gay best friend, who's still around and still all of those things, and still far too much like her now-boyfriend. Even in the ways that he's not.

It means that she can be everything with the AR, that she can flirt and fool with (ironically and otherwise) him, but that as soon as she talks to Dirk, ostensibly the same person as the one she's in love with—same color, same chumhandle, same typing style and sometimes sense of humor—she has to fight to shut it all off. She has to pull herself away from him like he's some exboyfriend too much like her current one, which is the last thing she wants. She has to muddle through their conversations, knowing that everything that makes her love AR more also makes her love Dirk more, because it's far too hard to separate the two in her mind.

It means that, when Dirk starts coming up to New York out of worry, out of loneliness, his heart and his head heavy with concern over the things they could-have-should-have-didn't do and trouble facing the fact that they'll never actually see their guardians or their friends, wearing the face she's seen so rarely and still attributes as much to AR as she does to distri, like it's only an avatar and they can share it, it breaks her heart. It means that she can't tell him anything because she's afraid she'll slip and go for his gay, gay lips, blow the whole thing wide open and make it awkward. He has a penchant for psychoanalyzing, for distancing himself from real emotions by turning them into concepts, where AR is willing to be just a little bit open about them, at least with her. At least with the emotions that matter, that they share. And she's a little bit afraid of what he'll try to tell her when he starts psychoanalyzing, turning everyone into characters in a book.

It means that, every time he comes, she's continually a little more drunk than she usually is. It means that he gets more worried and she gets more torn and the whole thing is doomed to fall to pieces.

But for now, for just in this individual moment, she can be a little bit more stable, have someone to stabilize her, and it's not going to last, something's going to give, but it means that three individuals are slowly learning what it means to live.

TT: Roxy?

TG: yo, my mad smoochchum

TG: lol

TG: whats on the agneda for today?

TG: *agenda

TT: Why don't you tell me?

TG: hmmmnmm...

TG: that dppends

TG: how humn r u feelin?

TG: *depends *human

TG: lol im not even that drnk

TT: I'd say... more human than you are sober.

TG: So... bbout a 6 then

TT: I don't think your numerical scale can quite accurately represent the intricacies of my humanity and lack thereof, but I suppose a 6 is as good a representation as any.

TG: well that kinda ruins what i had planned then

TG: *wonk*

TT: You do that one on purpose.

TG: u bet ur metallic buts i do!


End file.
